April 23, 2015

Recovery


When a relationship burst into flames it is amazing how fast you go from loving someone to hating someone. It makes sense though. Both love and hate are intangible and equally illogical.

I will forget you. And not in a romantic way. It will happen and in fact, it has already began. It started that night from the way you treated me, and then you let it became unsalvageable days later because of your pride. Admittedly I've been sad, but time heals, and every morning I wake up feeling more and more indifferent about you and I.

I will forget what it's like to not look forward to seeing you on weekends. I will forget what it's like to kiss you and what it's like to want to hug you. I will forget what it's like to wake up beside you. I will forget what it's like to spend our entire day having fun doing nothing. I will forget what it's like to trust you, to count on you, and to need you. I will forget what it's like to even have you in my life in the first place.

A part of me still feel for you. But that part of me is being locked up in a lock box as I'm typing where in the next little while, I will conveniently forget the combination. Once the internal switch has been flicked off and this feeling is gone, it will never come back. Don't think that you're special and that I'd treat you and my feelings towards you differently. I have always been like this. It's kind of my super power.

So I will forget you where it counts, like how comfortable I feel when I'm with you or the thought of you and I being together for good. I will forget you in those places because I am already beginning to.

"Your father did not raise you to have a heart of a wolf so you could howl over losing a man."  

April 20, 2015

The Weekender

{Photos by Mira, wearing ASOS black dress}

The weather in Ottawa is finally nice enough that I felt inspired to take some photos. And then I finally got sick and slept for 13 hours yesterday... I got these temporary tattoos a while ago and they are so much fun, kind of don't want to wash them off for a few more days.

"If people were rain, then I was drizzle and she was a hurricane." - John Green

April 16, 2015

The Blue Mosque

{wearing BCouture Keepsakes necklace, Ralph Lauren dress}

Just got back from Turkey. It was such a fun trip! Here are some photos of the Sultanahmet Mosque aka The Blue Mosque in Istanbul. It was beautiful inside. The ceilings were incredible. Anyway I'm going to go sleep off my jet lag now. Good night!

Tip: If you are planning to go to the Blue Mosque as a woman, make sure you bring a scarf to cover your head and your shoulders. And wear long skirts!

April 2, 2015

That Time You Mistaken Love For A Lesson


Forget love. Because they will never even like you as much as you like them. They won't think of you in any other way than the way they do right now- nothing more than a convenience and someone to pass their time with.

You can already see the end before it even begins. But you still try. Your friends and family have expressed their concerns but you do it anyway. It feels like a burden you willingly take on for yourself, because you have no control of what your heart wants and who you fall for.

Your feelings cannot change them. Your actions cannot change them. They don't like you nearly as much as you like them. Period. Nothing you do can and will change this. They have already made up their mind about you. 

You hang out. You go out of your way to do things for them. When they ignore you, you try to recreate what made them briefly interested in you in the first place. Perhaps they became interested because they were bored and you were right there. Perhaps they enjoy being a part of your lifestyle. Perhaps they like the things you do for them. But it is never about them being interested in you as an individual, and it never will be. They don't like you for you, but rather, what you can do for them. Yet deep down, you still hope that one day they will choose you.

You ask yourself what you can fix and what you can change. You invest in improving yourself to try to become the one they want. You start to compromise: you get new clothes, you change your hair, and you alter anything that you feel will get his attention. But you still feel flawed and feel that it is not enough.

Eventually they drop the bomb. They say it so clear of something you knew all along- that you are just as a temporary squeeze they will eventually leave behind. You are hurt because you might be falling for them, though they never ask you to do so. So you go on dates after dates, and never tell these dates that you are comparing them to someone else. You laugh and flirt and kiss others to try to replace them. To try to fill that empty void and the feeling of being unwanted. At first it won't work, but slowly it will. Because time heals.

After a while, you will realize that they don't deserve you and your affection. They were an illusion and an idea. You projected who you wish they were instead of seeing who they truly are.

Even though you cannot choose who you fall for, you can choose who you dwell on. Don't turn your energy into waste. If they won't put in the effort, then they certainly don't deserve your affection.