December 4, 2013

Detached




Last month I randomly got a text from a guy I was seeing a few years ago. He's the type that parents want their daughters to date: clean shaven, nice manners, has a good family, and in medical school.

We were 'seeing' each other for a long time. While we did regular couple things, he expected me to be exclusive with him though he would never refer me as any more than his friend because he was "too busy" and "needed to focus on school". I wouldn't see him for weeks, he took days to reply to my texts and all our plans were tentative because he was "too busy" because "he's a doctor".

A few years ago he moved away for his residency. We lost contact and I moved on. Then last month, I received a "Hey Julie. Happy Thanksgiving" followed by "I'm in Ottawa. Are we still on good terms since I took you out last time?".

I struggled with his text messages. It consisted a lot of reminiscing and it made me uncomfortable. I confronted to him about his intentions. I also told him that if I was as important as he said I was he would have fought for me. He never apologized, and instead bombarded me with excuses: "I'm so busy", "I have to study", "I'm so stressed", "I'm almost 30 and I'm focused on my career for my future family". He made me seem needy and unreasonable.

I felt disgusted. From the first message, it wasn't "are we on good terms since we hung out?", it was "since I took you out last time?", like I owed him something. As well, everybody is busy, but apparently he's not busy texting me pages excuses whenever he randomly comes in town. And he's so "focused on his career for his future family"- aren't we all focused on our future and don't we all want a family someday?

Long story short we met for dinner. He complimented me on my achievements. He asked me questions and listened to my stories that he never had time for before. It was as pleasant as it could be given the circumstances. At the end of the night, he said: "you still hate me, don't you?". I shrugged and smiled. I don't hate him and I don't like him. I'm nonchalant because I'm over it.


A guy like him may look great on paper, but a guy like him will never be capable of loving someone because he is so in love with himself. A guy like him will only buy you flowers on holidays only because he feels he is obligated to, not because he wants to. Any other day he will just take you for granted.

He may still like me, or not, I doubt he even know what he wants. He probably still thinks about me like he says he does. But that doesn't matter, because he does absolutely nothing about it. And if a guy does nothing, you most certainly shouldn't do anything.

Besides, talk is cheap. Mark Zuckerberg got married while running Facebook. Like Oprah says "if a man wants you, nothing can keep him away". You and I both need someone who will fight for us, who we can depend on, and who goes out of their way to make it obvious that they want us in their life.

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“My heart didn’t break into a thousand pieces after he left. Instead, I realized all the things he didn’t do. He didn’t want to hear my stories. He didn’t ask me questions. He didn’t smile when I was talking to him. He didn’t hug me out of the blue to make me feel good. His hugs were always a preamble to something else, and after he was gone, I wondered if he ever knew me at all.”

24 comments:

  1. Thanks for sharing all of this Julie. What a jerk; if you want something badly enough, you'll find a way to get it. That guy's poor excuses are just terrible. I hope you'll find a guy who cherishes you and loves you with everything he has.

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  2. I'm sure you'll find a wonderful guy because you expect it... I should have expected that for myself when I was younger... :-)

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  3. Don't worry PopChampgane you'll find a better guy and by that time, he is really for you. Always remember this, "Where there is love, nothing is too much trouble and there is always time." My bestfriend in college used to tell me that when I also had a problem same as yours. :)

    By the way love the photo. :)

    Love,
    Ericka of http://behappyblue.blogspot.com

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  4. This is a really well-written post. You totally deserve better than this guy, he sounds like a total jerk! Glad you could let go of him quite easily!

    XO Imke

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  5. PREACH! This is such a great post for girls really of any age from those who are just started dating to the woman still looking for love. Its hard to see then but as along as you see it now that's what matters.

    PS love the photo.

    <3
    heather
    fashionistanygirl.com

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  6. Beautiful picture :) woderful the light :)

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  7. Hey Julie, I recently experienced something similar. A guy that was interested and said he cared, yet could only make crude comments about my body. When I pointed out that he only wanted one thing, he looked offended, but then would return to making those remarks 10 minutes later.

    I decided that I needed a man that knew how to treat me the way I want to be treated. That's why we don't feel regret or pain, because we can see that they simply lack the qualities that we desire in a partner. I"m so glad to hear that you have stood strong :)

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  8. Such a beautiful post, and so well written too.
    A guy like that may have all the right things on the outside, but when he acts like that, he's most definitely not worth your time.
    Ha, and Oprah is so wise about that quote!

    The Dragonfruit Diaries

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  9. You are so strong to share these things, you deserve the best though. Also love the photo.

    xo, Juliette Laura
    http://juliettelaura.blogspot.com

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  10. Incredible personal story on carrying on & putting things behind. I couldn't agree more on talk is cheap. I can't stand sometimes on the many things that people say but there are no actions that come with afterwards or even worse when people complain without trying. And heck yeah, if a man loves u & wants u then he won't be playing games or want to waste ur time ;)
    www.speakstyleandrock.com

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  11. I have met a guy like this before, but, thank god, I realised what sort of person he was before we got anywhere, so it was a no no with him. If I am in love I give my whole self to the person, I expect the same from my other half…
    www.minsbeautyequipment.com

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  12. Thanks for sharing a part of your love life with us. I can so relate to what you've gone through. I know someone like that guy and it's hard for me to move on. I guess you really have to be strong and decide on it. The guy gives signs already that he's not capable, so it's also a blessing not to hold on. The thing is, you know he can do better, but they don't change unless they are aware of it and start doing what's good for you both.

    You're a great person and you deserve much better! Stay beautiful inside and out :) xo

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  13. I have to admire your bravery and assertiveness and willingness to be real with someone about their unimpressive behaviour. I could stand to be more that way, I admit.

    Still hanging out on PEI for the moment but just applied for a job in Ottawa. We'll see what happens!

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  14. If a guy doesn't genuinely give effort and show how he really likes me, I don't want to complicate things and get emotionally attached to him. If you want something, you go for it no matter what the circumstances are, you can give time. We're all busy. Hell, I have an 8 hour full-time job, my blogging, and other freelance jobs I took but if I want this guy I'm dating, I make time for him even for a few hours of coffee. Saying, "I'm busy, tired, exhausted..." has been the excuse of the year. lol

    We all deserve someone who will give us what we deserve and they deserve only the kind of girl their time can afford.


    xoxo,
    Gelleesh.com

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  15. I've been in that type of relationship before. I'm curious about your thoughts about rejecting a guy who is kind of crazy and wants to be with a girl. I have a friend who I only see as a friend, and he keeps insisting that we hang out.

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  16. When I first read what he wrote to you, my inner feminist went bombastic lol. "Since I took you out last time" - who the hell does he think he is? And "future family" is his focus, hence he can't give you a bit of his precious time? What the fuck.. you don't say that to someone whom you're dating, who's possibly hoping to BECOME that future family. Wow, what a self-absorbed douche >__> I'm so happy that you're over it, giiiiirl you deserve way better!

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  17. I went through something similar last year, I was seeing a guy for 5-6 months. He constantly asked if I was seeing anyone else and if I only saw him, but we would only ever meet on HIS times and HIS terms and it was convenient for HIM. I never saw his work, never met his friends. He was always too busy to reply to me right away, always too busy to "have a girl friend" yet he had time to go on holidays back to his home town or anywhere else out of town... I always felt like I was just a back-up plan for him when he was bored. He said he always missed me so much and wanted to see me but eventually I stopped believing him and that ended there. So glad I didn't waste anymore time on him. Eh!

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  18. Nice test dear! I enjoyed reading it and I think you are right in everything you say. Also, the way you mananged the situation was totally right, I think. I am really lucky to have such a great man on my side and I am thankful every day to have found me fiance (or that he found me).
    Thanks so much for your last comment! They always mean a lot to me :)

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  19. Thank you for sharing your story with us. I agree with you. He's not worth it. He probably asked you out again to see if you're still interested in him, so he can gloat. You managed the situation perfectly!
    Thank you for stopping by my blog!

    Call me M | Do You Speak Gossip?

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  20. This an amazing post and I have never been in a relationship, but this post definitely proved to me that it's better to have someone who fights for rather than me fighting for his attention!!
    Good job and congrats!!


    My Lyfe ; My Story
    @MyLyfeMyStory ♥ ♥

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  21. I really related to this story. Good for you for putting yourself first and recognizing what is best for you!

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  22. Wonderful picture! You definitely deserve better! Everything happens for a reason though. Great post!

    Miriam
    The Bittersweet Diaries

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  23. Your post are always so well written and encouraging.
    You deserve and will find the right man for you.

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