December 4, 2013

Detached




Last month I randomly got a text from a guy I was seeing a few years ago. He's the type that parents want their daughters to date: clean shaven, nice manners, has a good family, and in medical school.

We were 'seeing' each other for a long time. While we did regular couple things, he expected me to be exclusive with him though he would never refer me as any more than his friend because he was "too busy" and "needed to focus on school". I wouldn't see him for weeks, he took days to reply to my texts and all our plans were tentative because he was "too busy" because "he's a doctor".

A few years ago he moved away for his residency. We lost contact and I moved on. Then last month, I received a "Hey Julie. Happy Thanksgiving" followed by "I'm in Ottawa. Are we still on good terms since I took you out last time?".

I struggled with his text messages. It consisted a lot of reminiscing and it made me uncomfortable. I confronted to him about his intentions. I also told him that if I was as important as he said I was he would have fought for me. He never apologized, and instead bombarded me with excuses: "I'm so busy", "I have to study", "I'm so stressed", "I'm almost 30 and I'm focused on my career for my future family". He made me seem needy and unreasonable.

I felt disgusted. From the first message, it wasn't "are we on good terms since we hung out?", it was "since I took you out last time?", like I owed him something. As well, everybody is busy, but apparently he's not busy texting me pages excuses whenever he randomly comes in town. And he's so "focused on his career for his future family"- aren't we all focused on our future and don't we all want a family someday?

Long story short we met for dinner. He complimented me on my achievements. He asked me questions and listened to my stories that he never had time for before. It was as pleasant as it could be given the circumstances. At the end of the night, he said: "you still hate me, don't you?". I shrugged and smiled. I don't hate him and I don't like him. I'm nonchalant because I'm over it.


A guy like him may look great on paper, but a guy like him will never be capable of loving someone because he is so in love with himself. A guy like him will only buy you flowers on holidays only because he feels he is obligated to, not because he wants to. Any other day he will just take you for granted.

He may still like me, or not, I doubt he even know what he wants. He probably still thinks about me like he says he does. But that doesn't matter, because he does absolutely nothing about it. And if a guy does nothing, you most certainly shouldn't do anything.

Besides, talk is cheap. Mark Zuckerberg got married while running Facebook. Like Oprah says "if a man wants you, nothing can keep him away". You and I both need someone who will fight for us, who we can depend on, and who goes out of their way to make it obvious that they want us in their life.

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“My heart didn’t break into a thousand pieces after he left. Instead, I realized all the things he didn’t do. He didn’t want to hear my stories. He didn’t ask me questions. He didn’t smile when I was talking to him. He didn’t hug me out of the blue to make me feel good. His hugs were always a preamble to something else, and after he was gone, I wondered if he ever knew me at all.”