December 23, 2013

Standing Still

Last year this time I was going through a really rough break up. I put everything on the line: my job, my city, and changing who I am, but it wasn’t enough. Alex lived at home, drove his mom's car and had no clue what he wanted in life. The only things he showed interest was getting drunk with friends and getting high at electronic concerts. Alas I was severely depressed when things ended.

Initially I didn’t plan on going home for Christmas, but I flew back to Victoria, BC last minute at a hefty airfare price of $1200. It was my mom's idea and she was right. I needed my family more than ever given my circumstance.

One of my good friend back home is Nathan. I’ve known Nathan for over 10 years. He always send me messed up stuff, such as sketchy politicians, and illness and diseases that mentally mutilate people and torture them to death. Nathan plays piano for sketchy politician's parties, and teaches kids piano to make a living, which isn't that far off from dealing with illness and diseases. Throughout the years we’ve liked, unliked and disliked each other. We hooked up, and we’ve gone MIA for months and years at a time. We live in different cities, but when we meet at Christmas we have a good time catching up, and sometimes, if we're both single, we have a good time hooking up.

Last Christmas was no different. Nathan and I scheduled to meet up. I wanted to hook up because it was familiar territory, I was depressed, and I wouldn’t be ‘upping my number’ since we’ve already done it. And hey, sex is no worse for you than doing crack cocaine.

The morning before our meet up I searched for a razor around my house for an hour and found none. It’s hard to imagine a house with 4 women and not a single razor but it happened. I walked to Pharma Save and picked up a pack of the cheapest razors. It was $7. I cringed at the cashier counter. That’s a lot of money for a booty call.

Then came the condom situation. I didn’t want to spend anymore money as I already spent money on razors. 'Can't one thing just work out for me today?!' No. That's like demanding  someone to find you attractive. It doesn't work like that. I've tried. So I asked my younger sister Patti for one.

“I don’t have any.” Patti mumbled, and went back to reading her book.

“How can you not? You have a boyfriend!”

“Well, I’m not the one who has to wear them... But you can walk to his house and ask him.”

“I am NOT walking to your boyfriend’s house to ask him for a condom!!”

“Well, you’re too cheap to buy your own. What other options do you have?”

She was right. And it wasn't that I was too cheap to buy condoms. Fine. I was. But I was mad at myself for spending $7 on razors. And then I had to buy condoms?! I’m a woman. I smell nice. I don’t and shouldn’t have to spend money to have sex. It’s the principal.

Then came the car dilemma. My parents only have one car and Patti already shottied it that night. Eventually I got the car for a $20 bribe and a whole lot of begging. Nothing you can’t buy with money other than your dignity.

That night I met up with Nathan. We went out for drinks. We walked around downtown with all the Christmas lights. We went for a walk down by the ocean. The tides were out and it was full moon. The air was crisp and the beach was covered in seaweed. Then at the end of the night, he told me he just got a new girlfriend.

$40 plus an entire day of planning for nothing. For the first time, I understood exactly how guys feel on a date.

In late January of this year, Nathan texted me that he broke up with his girlfriend. But that December night triggered something in me. It was an end of something, a chapter that might be titled “When Nathan and Julie Passed the Ball Back and Forth”.

Just like most of our friends in our 20’s, times change and people move on. People lose touch when they get in their first serious relationship, get married, or when they have a baby. They can be your best friend, but spontaneously disappear when they get engaged. They’d mention all the cool stuff they do with their significant other, or bombard you with pictures of their kids and their new life. And they always come back to reminiscing about the old days that seem so far away now.

I was always too occupied to grow an adult relationship. I was focused on jobs, school, having fun, anything but developing a meaningful relationship. It did not escape my attention that while the pattern of returning to old flings as a safety net, I was figuratively standing still in my relationships while most of my friends have grown out of the dating scene and the spontaneous drunken stupors. Time is unforgiving and everything good eventually comes to an end.

A few weeks after Nathan's text I received a message from, from a username “COLONNYAY”. It was Alex.

Alex’s username was “COLONNYAY” – the name derived using a spinoff of his last name. I gawd out loud. Because what type of girls do you attract with a name “COLON N YAY”? He'd be better off on a homosexual dating website or an online colonostrophy support group.

And then I saw it. All that time I blamed myself as the reason for losing him and all the time I blamed myself for the failed relationship, it wasn’t me. It was him. He just didn't “get it”. Like me, Alex was also standing still, and he was completely oblivious to the world around him.

I said hi back. He asked how I was doing. Then for the first time, a guy whom I once would have done anything for, I realized that I had zero interest in him. I realized that I really don't care if a telephone pole fell on his face or if he got hit by a bus. So instead of replying back, I chuckled at his profile and permanently de-registered on POF that night.

It was that night that I knew I was finally over him, and that I would be just fine on my own.

I lost faith in a lot of people, including people I thought were my friends. I didn't trust anyone anymore. I felt like an empty shell and I was miserable. Everything that were once important and valuable to me bored me: my job, my closet, my designer bags and shoes, and my blog. Most mornings instead of getting up I wanted to crawl into a hole and permanently melt into a puddle.

I was going to give Ottawa one more year while planning my escape route to permanently move away for a fresh start. Then one night I came across this guy's online dating profile on He wasn't what I pictured 'my perfect guy' would be. I met up with him because I felt I had nothing left to lose and needed something to entertain my mind. I'm glad I did. Because that guy's name was Zach.


  1. You're such a strong woman PopChampagne! :) I'm glad that you finally found a guy that you are happy with right now. I hope he's finally the one for you. Stay strong and keep praying. Those series of unfortunate and bad events that happened in your life will not last long. Eventually, you will learn a lot from them and you will live a happy life. :) Been there too when me and first love love drifted apart but still I was thankful for I was able to love myself and those who cared for me and never left me in my worst.

    Love your blog even more! Merry Christmas! :)

    Ericka of

  2. I still need to find mine :'D I'm glad you found yours
    and I wish you a Merry Christmas! Xx

  3. It's not easy to move on... it seems to be easier for other people. I understand just wanting to feel something with someone you feel comfortable with... unfortunately it's not always a good idea ♡

  4. First of all, that photo is beautiful, I love it! Second of all, thank you so much for your kind comment the other day over on my blog. It genuinely made my day. Third of all, WEIRD. We have the same name, and my ex's name is Alex as well, AND he sounds just like your Alex. Girl, you and I are connected. Fourth of all, you are so strong for sharing these things on your blog. Everything will sort its self out and everything you feel is normal. I hope 2014 is a wonderful year for you my love!

    xo, Juliette Laura

  5. I never had that experience on a date! But only because I met my wife when we were 15--it would have been difficult to have that experience before then. Not impossible, but difficult since "dates" before then involved meeting a girl at the school "teen club" on a Friday night. lol

    You had a rough experience and came through it whole and still awesome....and you found the strength to let someone else into your life afterwards. That's not easy. Some poor souls get broken and lost after having that type of break-up. I'm proud to have you as a friend. :)

  6. I'm so happy you've come out stronger on the other side, and Zach sounds like he's a good guy.

    Will you be in Vancouver at all during the holidays? Would love to show you around my neighbourhood. :)

  7. It is so true that most friends disappear post-engagement/marriage/baby. I am lucky to have a few though that haven't done that. I'm officially the Bridget Jones of my friends though because most of my friends have been married since their mid-20's.

    Am officially back in town - if you want to get together for a coffee or need a blog-photo-snapper, lemme know!

  8. You must be so strong to write about all of this online. I wouldn't dare! Merry Christmas to you!

  9. That's good that you found a guy who is good for you. I have yet to find someone, but I'm not giving up hope!

    xxDenysia Yu

  10. Good for you! This will be a very special Christmas for you!
    Your blog is great! Would you like to follow each other in GFC?
    Regards from Madrid

  11. I'm feeling down as of the moment but your post lifted up my spirit. I know it's hard going through all the phases of life, starting from the life we've known and growing up in this fast paced world we live in. There are ups and downs that we must not deny having an impact in our lives. It's so true that we lost interest on things and it just means we need a fresh start and the only way to do that is by starting within ourselves. People won't even care if you're doing good or not, they just see you as you and what you're showing to them. Being honest with yourself is the best reason for you to accept things, move on and focus on what's really matters. Denying those feelings and the reality itself is like living on a fairy tale story that is not even happening in real life. You're doing great, keep it up, I love your blog :) Merry Christmas!

  12. How is it that I've heard your life story already, but your new little details about being cheap still surprise me. Yet at the same time, they don't. Or maybe it's the details that surprise me. I'd die if I ever had to have that conversation with my sister...


  13. This was so beautifully written - thanks for giving us a peek at what's happened in your life. I'm so happy you met Zach, it sounds like he helped you move forward.
    Have a Merry Christmas!

    The Dragonfruit Diaries

  14. Lovely, and touching novella! You can write, and you will never stand still. If you do , then you will look awesome while doing so!
    XX, Elle

  15. Wow you wrote this so well :) great read! xx