February 13, 2014


{Photos by Alyssa; wearing Zara tank, ASOS coat, Chanel bag, Vince Camuto booties}

"Julie, your office is 80% men. Why aren't you settled yet?"

A question I often get. Why am I not engaged yet when I'm surrounded by men everyday? Because I hate men, and I want 12 cats instead of a husband, and I might actually be a closet lesbian. Often I feel those people would comprehend with that answer more than "*shrug*, it just hasn't happened yet".

But what about all those single guys I work with with fancy job titles and great salary, and all those guys on online dating sites that have a house, a car, a job, and not bad looking, why haven't they found someone?

Because love isn't measurable or tangible. Love can't be bought or forced. And really, everyone is retarded once you set your mind to it. It's just when you're in love nothing they do is so weird and horrible that it can't be coined as endearing.

The tricky part isn't being in love, it's falling in love with the right person at the right time.

How To Stay Uncomfortably Single

1. Emphasize on status and wealth. Look down on others who are less fortunate, make less money, or have a lower education than you. Think and say things such as "I don't see why waitresses make that much considering they only need a high school diploma for that job".

2. Follow the motto of "Study hard, get a good job, and make money. When you have money and a good job, a significant other will just come to you". Spend all your time study your butt off to get a job you think society will respect you for, and discard learning or knowing anything outside of your profession because they're not important to you anyway.

3. Have unrealistic expectations of your ideal mate. Wait for that Victoria's Secret model/Brad Pitt looking millionaire finally meet you and fall in love with you.

4. Believe that if you feel a certain way, others ought to feel that way too. If they don't, tell them they're wrong. If they don't believe you, keep on telling them that they're wrong. Be blunt that they are wrong. Prove to them that you are right and that they are wrong. Don't stop until they admit that they are wrong and you are right.

5. Woe in pity that you are single and how you hate being single and how you cannot find anyone and how you hate that most of your friends have someone and how you don't understand why you cannot get anyone and how you will die single.

6. Ignore social protocols. Ask personal questions, use derogatory terms, be flaky, be unreasonably late, drink too much on a date, pick your teeth after eating, interrogate them about their past relationships, have no respect for their private space.

7. Talk and don't listen. Don't ask them any questions. Always keep talking about yourself and your accomplishments and where you are vacationing this year and what an awesome person you are.

8. Start judging and analyzing others on what you like and what you don't like as soon as you meet them instead of enjoying the company.