February 3, 2014

Practice Ride

{Photo via Ilya Kisaradov}

Over the holidays I heard from one of my friends that my most recent ex, says that he is ready to 'settle down and find a girl' now.

While I am completely over him, hearing that still irritated me. After being together for four years, after all of our ups and downs, after hanging out with his over controlling sister every week, after having our families having dinner together, I still wasn't 'real' enough for him.

I avoided the idea of marrying him when we dated but I thought we were at least heading to some kind of destination. After all, dating for 4 years, a woman would expect to have the question popped in which the she would have already prepared her "oh yes!" response at some fancy restaurant. After all, that is what society want us to eventually do. That is what our parents tell us to do: "Oh Julie, every relationship gets boring. Just find a nice and stable guy." And then one day it ended abruptly and I have not spoken with him since.

It wasn't until recent that I realized I was just a practice. I was his practice girlfriend who taught him all of the things to not look for in his 'girl to marry'. I was the girl he learned what being in a relationship is like. I was the girl that was there for him when he didn't know what he wanted in life and love. I was there when he made his mistakes, forgivable and unforgivable, like a tricycle he rode in which he fell and scraped his knees. And now he is looking for a bicycle.

The next girl will see him nicely packaged, not the flaky self conscious boy I was with.

As for him, he wants a girl that is happy being happy, whose life isn't consumed with highs and lows. He wants a 'yes' girl who is willing to sacrifice her accomplishments and support what he does. He wants a girl he can control. He wants a girl who doesn't mind to forever be in the passenger seat while he drives. He wants a girl who can go from being upset to dropping her anger to become 'understanding' just from him telling her that she is being unreasonable. He wants a pretty and giddy girl who is verbally pleasing at his family outings, who would make his male cousins envious and would win the approval his judgmental mother.

That's not me. Because I'd rather be someone's shot of whiskey than everyone's cup of tea.

But I hope we will both find what we are looking for.


  1. This reminds me of Celine's line in Before Sunset, "Men go out with me, we break up and then they get married. And later they call me to thank me for teaching them what love is. That I taught them to care and respect women.I wanna kill them! Why didn't they ask me to marry them? I would've said no, but at least they could have asked."


  2. Hugs! I totally understand. the last boy I dated...four years. I finally broke up with him after repeatedly asking him when we were getting married and having him tell me, not yet, maybe a few more years? I just couldn't wait around anymore...he was a nice guy, (we were living together) but he was emotionally abusive and very selfish. He would constantly leave me at home and have lunch with other girls (just him and the girl!) in what he called "study dates" or "I just happened to see _____ at lunch time" I didn't feel very special. I wanted to have lunch with him! This may seem a lame thing to get upset over, but it kept happening and just showed me he wasn't that into me. Not to mention one night he called me by a different girls name and told me "i love you (her name)" and when we broke up he immediately started dating her!

    I'm happy now with my very stable husband, thank you. No more of that crap!

  3. Love these pictures; they're absolutely breath taking!!

    If you are dating a guy for 4 years, and he doesn't even bring up marriage, he has no intention of marrying you and is definitely doesn't deserve you. I'm sorry your relationship went awry like it did, but you are much better off without him.

  4. Wow Pop... so honest, so open... I guess I was a practice run for the man I loved too... I see who he is with and she is nothing like me... apparently he didn't want, romance, fun, excitement... he wanted stable... Which to me, stable is boring... I want more for myself one day, I hope you find that too...

  5. I liked that last line, I'd rather be someone shot of whiskey too. I haven't heard from my ex and is want for a new girl friend, I really don't care either, but I feel I was in a similar situation as yours with him. I felt like I was just a roller-coaster for his own selfish needs and wants, I feel like I was there to polish him up for the next one.

    But you know what, I learned a lot from that relationship too, I learned what I wanted and didn't want from someone. And now I finally found someone that was better for me, in many more ways then he ever was.

  6. Those photos are incredible..and your post was so real. What he wants is a girl who is just as insecure, or maybe even a girl that doesn't exist. Your partner should be walking side by side with you, not in front of you trying to "guide the way." As women we are strong enough to stand on our own, and a man should complement us, not "complete" us. Great post :)

  7. It does seem as though the long-term relationships not destined for marriage end around the 4-year mark. I was talking to a guy once who described it as the turning point: either he is going to marry her, or he does the right thing by her and ends it. Sort of a "s*** or get off the pot" thing for them.

  8. I don't know what to say about your ex and him
    being settled down.... But I don't like the idea
    being controlled and owned. Lets hope we'll
    find the one we are truly looking for c:
    (The pictures are BEAUTIFUL and inspiring!)

  9. Awww Hugs! I'm just glad that you got rid of a man like that. It's hard enough to please you partner, you don't need to please everyone else in his family. I do hope you find your perfect match soon enough.

    For me, the third one's a charm! I married my third boyfriend.

    I was lucky enough to be happily married to a great guy when I was 23 (I'm turning 30 this year, scoffs!). We were in a relationship for almost 4 years, before we decided to get married. It wasn't a romantic-popping-the-question kind of thing. For us, it was a mutual decision. In the 3rd year of our relationship, he often talked about marriage, that's when I realized that he really wanted to marry me.

  10. Good riddance! I'm sorry you wasted time with that selfish person. If he'd been smart, he would have proposed after 2 years. Good thing he didn't!

    1. Actually, he should have proposed after 3 months, but that would have seemed creepy. :)

    2. LOL, you're so right Ricademus. I did mine over and done with, with the whole getting to know the person, dating, proposal, marriage, pregnancy, breastfeeding, divorce thing, all in +-2,5 years. That's proposal after 4 months of knowing he exists! Glad that was over and done with, I'm happier with the product of the marriage, LOL.

  11. I say you are better off without someone who want to change or control you! He missed out! Hugs, T. http://tickledpinkwoman.blogspot.com

  12. My heart breaks reading this post. Me too, I dated a guy for almost two years and he want someone who is just perfect. Perfect in such a way that the girl would just accede to anything that he likes. But then it turns out his new girl right now is very controlling to the point the flunked his licensure examinations thrice because of the girl who constantly follows him around. Karma's a b*tch. Well maybe, we just don't deserve those kind of people who seek for perfection and meekness. We are not those kind of girls. We have our dignity. I know that you will meet a guy who will love you for who you really are pop champagne! Hugs!

    Ericka of http://myfashionfelicity.blogspot.com

  13. Hell yes, a shot of whiskey is something to be proud of! I love it, and I'm glad you know who you are and accept that you're not for him. He sound way too boring and annoying anyway.
    Your writing about being the tricycle and he's looking for a bicycle part...wow, it really resonated with me. Perfect analogy really.

    The Dragonfruit Diaries

  14. J dear, it's perfectly fine to have those feelings still towards the news. Afterall, it was a 4 yr of putting up with his s*%T. Men do learn their lesson harder, because they get discounted on pregnancy. Women tend to get it after being a mom, although some don't. So, chill, pop some champagne and cheers to the happy couple ;)

  15. Four years is a rather long time to spend in a relationship that didn't end in marriage so I do understand your frustrations. But I always think that things happen for a reason and probably you're better off without him!

  16. I can imagine the bitter taste of hearing news about your ex. I know the feeling. I don't understand how some folks can remain such good friends after ending a r/s.

  17. wow, wonderful pictures! and you are probably better off!
    following you via gfc and bloglovin now. hope you'll follow me, too!
    happy weekend!


  18. Inspiring and stunning photos!
    Sorry to hear about the boy, I know how that feels ... but the right guy will come along for you. xx/M

  19. I love your blog


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  21. "I'd rather be someone's shot of whiskey than everyone's cup of tea." - I love that. So wonderfully stated. I'm sorry that things didn't turn out the way you wanted them to in that relationship, but just know that there is someone better out there for you!

  22. So well said. Definitely better to be a shot of whiskey than a cup of tea. Its good that you're not with someone like him! Hopefully, some day we will all find our mr perfect