February 25, 2014

Quit To Serve

I finally quit my weekend serving job. My last shift is this Saturday. I am SO happy and feel so relieved.

It's not that I hate serving. It's the other bullshit that comes with the job. The money can be good from serving, but it's not easy money. It's hard work. Then again, unless you won the life lottery of coming out of a wealthy vagina there's no such thing as easy money in this day and age anymore.

Questions Servers Get And How We Mentally Respond

1. What should I order? 
Crack. Order crack.

2. (15 minutes later) … I still can’t decide. 
Look, I'm not asking you to come up with a solution for the Iseaeli and the Palestinian conflict. It’s just regular North American food. Are you this indecisive with your life too?

3. What type of food do you guys serve? 
Chicken, beef, pork, fish, fries, garden salad, caesar salad, red sauce pasta, alfrado pasta, meatballs, cheese… Do you want me to start naming every item or would you care to read this thing I put in front of you called THE MENU?

4. Can I get a decaf chai latte, steamed with skim milk and cinnamon sprinkles? 
No. This isn’t Starbucks.

5. I can’t eat anything with gluten and I am a vegan. Do you have anything to offer other than a salad? 
We have water.

6. Why does it cost more for the substitution? 
Whatever you are ordering take more time to make than throwing a giant bag of potatoes in the deep fryer. In other words, no I cannot substitute a rib eye for your fries.

7. I am mad, you guys are punishing people with allergies by making us pay more for substitutions.
I am mad too. I have other tables I need to go to but instead I am here listening to you complain about something out of my control and now you're probably going to take it out on me by giving me a shitty tip.

8. Instead of this, can I get this with this? 
No. The chef hates me. He hates you. He's a power tripping maniac who screams at me when I look at him in the eye and he will try to kill me if I get too close. Anything I tell him must be no more than 5 words and must take less than 3 seconds to say in the kitchen: "TABLE 15 HOLLANDAISE ON SIDE PLEASE DON’T KILL ME"

9. But I’ve had it here before. Why can’t you do it this time? 
Let me check with myself again… No.

10. But I had this back in the days! Why did you guys take this off the menu? 
Back in the days you can buy yourself a slave on the street and now that is highly illegal. Back in the days you can have sex with farm animals without society labeling you as a pervert. Back in the days you are also legally allowed to marry your first cousin. I don’t understand your question.

11. I know I ordered 10 minutes ago, but can I change this to this?
Yes... And now I have to go deliver this news to the kitchen in which I will get yelled at for no reason. Thank you, jerk face.

12. I don’t understand why the interact machine puts on tip after the tax. You guys are ripping me off. Can't you guys do something about this?
Do I look like an interact mastermind villain in this apron to you?

13. You give great service but I don’t have a lot of money… Do I still have to tip you? 
This is a free country and you don’t have to do anything. But know that I make $8.50/hr, I can get send home anytime they want me to leave, my hourly minimum wage barely covers a McDonalds meal after my bus fare, I have bills to pay and your compliments don’t pay for my bills. So, you don’t have to do anything. But I will mentally try to set you on fire if you walk out of here without tipping. THANK YOU FOR COMING AND HAVE A GOOD DAY!