August 28, 2014

Indecision




We can choose the paths we want to take, but we can't have it all.

When I graduated from University my ex at that time, Steve, was from a very rich family. He asked me to move to San Francisco to be his personal assistant and he would finance me, then eventually we would get married. In exchange I would never have to work a "real" 9-5 job again. I broke up with him because I chose to stay in Canada for a career job.

I chose to have my own career instead of the life of financial support from a man because I don't want my 'pay' to be dependent on my husband's mood and I want the freedom to buy what I want when I want instead of 'asking' first. I understand that my latter option with Steve was more breezy and as socially acceptable, but this was and is still my choice.


Over the past few years, I have been in other relationships that involved me moving for a guy. Each time I chose my job over them. We've all experienced how difficult it is to get a full time job in this economy and even more so to get a full time job with great benefits and salary. Given that I like my job and it is well paid with good benefits, I just have not met a guy I feel I would quit my job over.

Since dating Steve, I have worked and acquired multiple properties on my own. But while I am financially secure, I have been neglecting to pursue a family life. This was a personal choice I made. And while all of my female friends are now engaged and married, I'm still in the dating scene. This is my consequence, but I don't regret it. It is what it is.


This past week, the decision arose again. I am given an opportunity to work at a great company. The job position is fantastic and it would open doors for my future career, but it would require me to move back to the west coast and move to USA. This means I would have to give up everything with my personal life and once again, move to a city and start all over again.

And what about ever settling down and starting a family?


As a woman, after we graduate in our 20's, we can either choose to pursue to have a family or pursue a career against our biological clock. Both take time and energy. "I think one can have a career and a family", an acquaintance told me a few weeks ago. "Perhaps she was right?" I thought. But when I think about her, she has the luxury to work a non-conventional job as a hobby because her husband owns a successful business, unlike me who has to work to pay for mortgage and bills.

It sounds so cheesy, creating your own path and facing its reward and consequences. The Pepsi CEO said it well that she doesn't think "women can have it all" when the interviewer asks her about work-life balance. Her interview really spoke to me.

I still don't know what I decision I will make.

29 comments:

  1. No matter what you decide to do, I hope you'll be happy with your decision. I guess maybe look back at your past choices and decide if all of them were worth it.

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  2. Gorgeous outfit!! I love your top and sandals :) you look amazing! ;)

    New post on GIRL ABOUT TOWN BLOG
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  3. Love your hair in these photos. Did you get it cut and coloured recently?

    Your post reminds me of these 2 articles I read in the NY Times. The first one (written 10+ years ago) was about the trend of privileged, upper middle class women giving up their high-powered jobs to be stay-at-home moms. Where once they commanded the boardroom, they now spent their energy on baking cupcakes, doing crafts with their kids, and playing Martha Stewart. These women all came across kind of smug in the interviews, and swore that quitting their jobs was the best decision ever.

    Well, fast forward 10 years and the writer followed up with these same women. Many of their husbands had lost their jobs with the lousy economy and they were forced to re-enter the workforce. But they'd been out of it so long, they had trouble finding work. At best, they could land a job that they were overqualified for and that paid much less.

    I think it's never a bad thing for a woman to be able to earn her own keep.

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  4. love the shiny with the print!

    Good luck on your decision. I'm happy where life has ended up--but my 20s were sure stressfull and crazy and who knows what the F is happening. Here is to my last two years before 30.

    I hope you find peace with your decision.

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  5. I love this post and have a similar story. I always followed my dreams as a dancer and many of my relationships did not withstand this. I don't think we have to choose. I believe there is someone out there for all people and all lifestyles. I will say this now in my 30's I give my love life as much attention as my dreams, hobbies and career. I needed to find that balance, still single, but more clear. :) I say go to the US, have new adventures and who knows your man may be waiting there for you ready to live the lives you both want to build together. Stay Beautiful xoxo Erin www.beautyjunkkie.com

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  6. It is really hard to decide in that situation, just believe your intuition.. :)

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  7. I think when the time is right you will know. I have a lot of friends from high school who are married, and have children, and I'm just not there yet. I think I might have a couple more years, until I feel secure to start a family.

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  8. I'm in my 30s, and I found that when the right relationship/person came along, he made everything in my life easier.

    I think the "having it all" debate is crap, to be honest. Do men spend time worrying about whether they can have it all? No. Do they beat themselves up with guilt because they missed mother's coffee at 9 AM? No. I think if you're getting sucked into that dilemma, it's because you're allowing society to dictate its expectations to you rather than just doing what works best for you.

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  10. That is a huge decision, on the one hand stability is wonderful and on the other hand change can be exciting... I can see how you need time to think it over :)

    As for children and a family, that will happen when you are ready :)

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  11. Thanks for sharing your personal story! I actually quite admire your stance for yourself! Still not many women in this day and age have the chance to chose their selves over a job or family because many of them maybe judge very harshly so I'm glad a lady like you has had the choice and it's your own. I think whatever you chose it's yours and if you plan not to do so now and or never or move it's all a fair choice. Life is so short, make of it what you feel best so you don't regret anything I'd say!

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  12. It is so importent to choose your own way. Life is so hard and so short, we need a good life.
    hugs
    nadine

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  13. Wow, what a choice...
    On the one hand, what you say really resonates with me, as I have faced criticism and negative reactions when I give off an independent attitude and choose my personal desires over what others may think is best for me. I haven't regretted a single choice yet, and the ego-beaten boys had better get over it.
    Anyway, that didn't sound bitter at all...hehe
    Your self reliance and independent nature really appeals to me and I've always viewed you as someone to look up to. I'd like to find security in myself and know my personal wealth isn't dependent on a man. I like knowing I can take care of myself.
    However, I do hope you can find happiness in another person. Perhaps Steve's worth it?
    Crossing my fingers for you and always wishing the best!

    The Dragonfruit Diaries

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  14. It doesn't matter what people think or what society tells you to do. The thing is, you have to feel good in your own skin, and have to get along with yourself. You are the only person you have to deal with every single moment of your life. It's not wrong not to have a family, or have one later on, or have one where the children are dogs or cats. As long as you're happy. And I'm so proud of you for not being depended on a man, no woman should be unless that's the thing ultimately making them happy. I personally enjoy working, and would love to have at least some kind of career. I want to be my own woman, too. ♥

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  15. My mother would tell me that in our culture, women don't pursue jobs or school, their job was to get married and have families. Traditionally, that's how we all were supposed to be. But she was different, she pursued a career and school and continued to date and eventually be married at age 21. Her life did have road-blocks as a result of pursuing both a family and career, long nights working, less time with family, but also sacrificing career for her family when the economy went down. She chose to leave the city full of connections and friends to move with all of us with our father whom had found a different job in a new town. She loved him so much she chose his happiness. Even though her job stability isn't what it was in the big city, she is satisfied to be this way with us. Today, she still pushes and pulls at a balance between her family and career for these past 21 years I've known her, and it's not a perfect balance but her persistence to be fiercely a career woman and mom is admirable, and I love that about her. So don't feel like you can't have both family and career, for it's possible to have both. You must simply work harder than most others who did not choose to have both, if that is the path you choose.

    Hugs and much love,

    likkie xx,
    thedippster.blogspot.com

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  17. charming dress!

    those decisions are very hard. I personally would do as you did before. Now I'm fortunate to have both family and career because of my better half. If I need a change he goes after because he actually can. I think when you meet your person job vs. love life would never arise again being simple to choose. No matter if it's saying no to something which is better because of person next to you or go chasing a dream with someone you love. May be I'm too romantic or too fortunate (because of my hub's job is never about the place) but it's way easier to think the way I do

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  18. Good for you for choosing your career over a man. Even though I'm the total opposite and would have to have a man take care of me financially lol! Love your outfit, and the fountain in the background looks very nice :)

    Jessica
    the.pyreflies.org

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  19. You already knew what you must do. All you need to do now is to remember. :)
    Listen to no one else but your inner voice. <3 <3 <3

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  20. A man with any sense would be willing to stay where you are.
    Whatever decision you make, I know it will be a good one.

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  21. Lovely photos!

    http://beautyfollower.blogspot.gr

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  22. I think you made the right choice with Steve.

    An old friend of my quit her job to move in with her fiance after he proposed and worked as his PA, once they broke up she didn't have a job nor did she have a place to live.

    I'm a logics over emotions sort of person when it comes to decision making, sometimes it's good to consider a bit of both I guess.

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  23. Have you read Lean In by Sheryl Sandberg? Give it a read for some inspiration. I say go for the job. But do what's best at the moment, the rest will fall into place. You will find a way to make it work, like you've always done in the past.

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  24. Looks so fresh, I like the style, go out for walk with the sun shine is a very happy thing.
    http://www.foreverypin.com/tags/blue-and-silver-bridesmaid-dresses-t-224/

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  25. Why am I hearing about this major life decision from your blog!

    Sincerely,
    Sabrina

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  26. That's a tough call... I'm 25. I have thought about this a lot and I don't know how I'll decide me.. Sometimes I would like to have a child and sometimes not. The perfect age (to my mind) is 30-36.

    By the way... you're beautiful ^^

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  27. I recently had a discussion with a friend who is older than about something like this. I had told her I wouldn't mind teaching abroad for the next 10 years. She had said that then I would miss out on settling down to start a family, and also in turn screw up my pension. I was not amused.

    I took a delayed path in life, so while I have just finished some schooling, my friends have been out of school for many years, and just like your friends they are all in the process of getting engaged or married. It used to bother me a lot when people asked why I wasn't dating, why I wasn't normal for wanting to settle down. truthfully I don't think about it much anymore. At this point in life, if it happens, I'm fine with that. However, at the same time, I am fine with continuing to develop the person that I am, rather than settling for a relationship/path just because I feel like I'm too old. Of course its a little harder when my friend who is a dr keeps ragging on us to hurry and get married as the maximum optimal age to have babies is only a few years away -______-

    Anyway, if you are still thinking about the job, good luck with the decision!

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  28. Being a working mom myself, I could attest that women could choose both family and career. However, I have to admit that there won't be an ideal balance because the quality of effort you give to the other will suffer because of what the other end demands. But maybe I could just say this because we're not having wide employment struggles here in my country. Luckily here, as long as you finish until the 2nd year of your college, there will always be some job waiting (as long as you're not picky).

    I feel that by leaving your rich ex and choosing to create your own path, you made the right choice Julie. :) After all, what else is this life if not creating our own future. Good luck in your endeavor Julie, I wish you well. :)

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