November 17, 2014

The Moment I Knew I Was Over You

{Dress from H&M, Chanel bag, Vince Camuto shoes}

These were taken over the weekend. "The last good weekend" I called, as it was probably the last weekend before the snow hits the ground and stays until next April. The issue about the last good weekend is that no one knows it is the last good weekend until the last good weekend is over.

So I saw my ex last weekend.

Alex and I only dated for a few months. He wanted to be monogamous but didn’t want the ‘official title’ due to his ‘commitment issues’. He wanted the benefits of a relationship without the responsibility of a relationship. Then when times got tough, he decided it was no longer fun and that he didn’t “like me anymore”.

Alex was the reason of my downward spiral in 2012. For months I barely ate, I didn't sleep, and I lost so much weight that even size 0 was baggy on me. I dreaded getting out of bed everyday and I lost my passion for everything to a point that I wasn't remotely enthused on paycheque Fridays or Christmas holidays. My dad described him as “the type I always worry my daughters would encounter”.

I was working at the Food and Wine show when I had a tingle that I would bump into Alex because it’s him to go to those things. And then I saw him. It was the first time I’ve seen him since we broke up a year and half ago.

He was getting his coat with his friends. He was still the thin, tall guy I once fell for. But his face was more tired and worn. All that drinking, partying and recreational drugs did not do him any favor. He also got himself a huge beard; which I thought didn’t compliment him. Obviously Alex never moved to Australia, something he was always talking about along with other 'big ideas' of his. It was not a surprise, I thought, and so typical of him.

I walked past him without saying hi. Then 10 feet away I heard, “JULIE!”. Alex waved. I looked back, slightly lifted the corner of my lips, gave him a small wave and continued walking. I felt no obligation to stop and small talk with him. Not even a "hello" or a smile. I didn’t care what he thought. I didn’t care what he was up to. I didn’t care if he was seeing someone new. I also didn't care to tell him how much he has hurt me or flaunt anything like a BeyoncĂ© song- I just didn’t care.

You might feel that you are over someone until you see them again after some time. But the exact moment I turned my back on him, I knew I was over him, and I felt powerful. Time does heal, I've never fully believed, until that moment. I don’t wish him the best of luck- because I think he’s a scum and he will always be a scum to me. But I do wish him- no, I don’t wish him anything. Because I am over it.

“So this is liberation.” I thought while lying in bed that night. The liberation of all the bad feelings and the liberation an undeserving guy will never again influence me. I smiled and fell asleep.