April 2, 2015

That Time You Mistaken Love For A Lesson

Forget love. Because they will never even like you as much as you like them. They won't think of you in any other way than the way they do right now- nothing more than a convenience and someone to pass their time with.

You can already see the end before it even begins. But you still try. Your friends and family have expressed their concerns but you do it anyway. It feels like a burden you willingly take on for yourself, because you have no control of what your heart wants and who you fall for.

Your feelings cannot change them. Your actions cannot change them. They don't like you nearly as much as you like them. Period. Nothing you do can and will change this. They have already made up their mind about you. 

You hang out. You go out of your way to do things for them. When they ignore you, you try to recreate what made them briefly interested in you in the first place. Perhaps they became interested because they were bored and you were right there. Perhaps they enjoy being a part of your lifestyle. Perhaps they like the things you do for them. But it is never about them being interested in you as an individual, and it never will be. They don't like you for you, but rather, what you can do for them. Yet deep down, you still hope that one day they will choose you.

You ask yourself what you can fix and what you can change. You invest in improving yourself to try to become the one they want. You start to compromise: you get new clothes, you change your hair, and you alter anything that you feel will get his attention. But you still feel flawed and feel that it is not enough.

Eventually they drop the bomb. They say it so clear of something you knew all along- that you are just as a temporary squeeze they will eventually leave behind. You are hurt because you might be falling for them, though they never ask you to do so. So you go on dates after dates, and never tell these dates that you are comparing them to someone else. You laugh and flirt and kiss others to try to replace them. To try to fill that empty void and the feeling of being unwanted. At first it won't work, but slowly it will. Because time heals.

After a while, you will realize that they don't deserve you and your affection. They were an illusion and an idea. You projected who you wish they were instead of seeing who they truly are.

Even though you cannot choose who you fall for, you can choose who you dwell on. Don't turn your energy into waste. If they won't put in the effort, then they certainly don't deserve your affection.